Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You Might Also Like
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?