Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!