the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?