Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it