If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Have kids, they said
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel