Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’m giving up for Lent.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*