Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
this is me
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him