cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
12. I think about this all the damn time
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
…żyje?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Lmao
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning