I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
You Might Also Like
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Perfect
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.