Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.