I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
This guy gets it.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld