Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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all that yoga finally paid off
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
🌱🌱🌱
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*