Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big