Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
🤣🤣🤣
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.