*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My blood type is coffee.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.