Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
kevin is now a local weatherman
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.