My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.