She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”