[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Every damn time
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My purse is deeper than some people.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?