“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I bet birds love this building.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Safety first
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.