“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You Might Also Like
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.