I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.