Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You Might Also Like
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.