Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.