Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!