“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.