*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You Might Also Like
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.