Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.