I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The Punning Dead.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol