Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.