It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY