Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.