My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.