Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!