Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
want me to check your oil?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Coffee is ready.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.