I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?