My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.