I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
went fishing caught a bass
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?