Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?