I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.