JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.