Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.