GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.