“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?