Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.