So true for me
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Simple enough.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again