Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.