I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch