Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …