This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Ah yes. The three genders
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.